I was raised by a bitical woman (bitter + critical = bitical). That explains where I learned to fail so well but it does not explain why, equipped with this knowledge, I can’t seem to shake it off. I ended the relationships that were so toxic and damaging to me completely when my beloved died and they (plural) saw it as an opportunity to attack me personally when I was at my lowest. I had all but ended relationships with them before but, without my beloved protector and personal encourager, it was no longer possible to have contact with them. That is their problem, my problem remains but is different.
I set wonderful goals with appropriate steps to complete them; good time frames and even plan outside influences to create my success. I have great technical plans and then I fail to follow through until completion. My big girl pants just don’t seem to stay on as long as I need them to. I shoot myself in the foot on a regular basis and when I get close to the goal line, I fail to finish. I have volumes of stories that have never seen the light of day. This blog is the first time I have freely let my words leave without rushing to pull them back and protect them from harm. It is a learning experience for me and, perhaps because I have so few followers, I’ve been able to let it go and be myself.
NaNoWriMo has been a great experience for me to “turn off my inner editor” which is really a technical writer and the child of bitterness. Coaching others to complete the 50,000 word count has helped me grow and throw out my inner bitical critic. Seven years as a staff volunteer for the San Francisco Writers Conference has provided me with healing encouragement and hundreds of success stories and relationships with people who are happy to see me when I walk into the room.
To stretch those new confidence muscles even more, I have started my own critique group and am going to submit two short stories for publication in an anthology. It is not so important that I get accepted for publication as it is I actually submit it. I sent one of the stories to a beta reader. Not just any beta reader but, one I consider to be a true American hero. He served as an Army Ranger and later as an undercover police officer. He gave much for his country, including the life of his mother when his cover was blown. He is quiet, humble and extremely smart. The story deals with PTSD, a subject he is an expert on. I highly value his opinion.
I sent the story to my friend yesterday at 5:00 p.m. and was awake most of the night. My anxiety level was sky high. I expected one of two things; he would read it and politely say little or nothing or attack it with a full offensive. Neither happened. The time stamp was 10:27 p.m. the same day and he liked it! His wife liked it! He gave me 12 suggestions (some I should have caught if I wasn’t so anxious).
It is time for me to succeed! I have awesome friends and an awesome God! Now Tessa, let it go and get it done.
Worry for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6